The Bonenkai

Winter 1992

The Bonenkai

"How the hell am I supposed to concentrate with all these teen-age girls around?"
-Walt Whitman

Seasons greetings, merry reader, and welcome to Christmas in Japan. But more important to the Japanese than Christmas is the concept of Bonen (forgetting the year). And more important than Bonen is the Bonenkai (a party where one consumes the precise amount of alcohol required to forget the previous year). So to help prepare you for what you may encounter, here's a little story about what happened to The Spimster at a Bonenkai last year.

I'd like to begin by introducing you to the man who put the Bone in Bonenkai, Mr. Kazuhiro "get 'em while they're hot" Fujie. We've been close friends since the morning I woke up and found myself in the trunk of his Nissan Belchy. He was on his way to work at the fertilizer plant in Katsunuma and heard me wake up screaming, "I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING!" Most locals wouldn't have understood the reference; but, as luck would have it, Cousin Kazu had studied English by watching "The Wizard of Oz", start to finish, every day, for six and a half years. He thought it was an omen from Jehovah (he also spends a great deal of time on Heiwa-dori). He pulled over on the side of Å@çëì¼20çÜ, danced around the car singing "Ding Dong the witch is dead the wicked witch is dead. . ." for about twenty minutes. He finally opened the trunk, embraced me (He was under the impression that I was Judy Garland, although I don't resemble Judy Garland even a little bit. [However I did have a roommate in college who used to dress like Judy Garland, but only on Fridays. Don't get me wrong, he liked babes and all and he was frequently seen in the company of gorgeous babes from all walks of life, professionals and amateurs, six days a week. But on one day out of the week he liked to put on a dress, drink whiskey sours with pastel umbrellas in them and sing Ethel Merman songs. I know, I know. What's the connection, Spim? But if you ever heard his tenor or his alto, you too would agree that, with Judy Garland's looks and Ethel Merman's energy, it was a much better combination than Judy Garland's looks and Henny Youngman's savoir faire. If you find crossdressing offensive, then wake up and smell the falsies. Good-god, this is the Nineties for chrissake. If a man wants to put on the occasional recreational dress, we shouldn't make unfounded assumptions on his sexuality or value judgments on his humanity.] Anyway, before we exchanged anything so serious as a kiss, he realized ÇÕÇ¡Ç´ÇË[clearly] that I was definitely NOT Judy Garland.), and asked me what in the hell I was doing in his trunk. I explained to him that I was participating in a NASA experiment that involved phased plasma, magnetic fields, and Vodka. He said, "Yeah, buddy, and if you pull this leg, a lightning bolt will shoot out of my butt." He had me there; I had never even been to Florida. I ended up in his trunk because I was playing truth or dare with Kent Gilbert.

Anyway, he decided to blow off work for the day and go get some beer. He wanted to talk about sub-plot and underlying themes in "The Wizard of Oz". We went to a little izakaya (bar) by the name of 'Wild Okuwaki's' and tossed back a few Labatt's. We were watching the news. As it turned out, the fertilizer plant blew up, caught on fire, collapsed, became inundated with toxic fumes, and flooded. Cousin Kazu was the only member of the company who was absent that day. Everyone else died a horrible flaming death. He was overjoyed. "I guess it was a sign from Jehovah after all," he said. "Spim, buddy pal, you saved my life. From this point on, let's walk down this yellow brick road that we call life together from this point on." I told him O.K., but only if I got to be the lion guy. (As it turned out, he received a rather large insurance payment because of the accident. I burned him a little with my Zippo and he told the insurance company that he had been blown three kilometers in the air, and that's why he didn't show up until several hours after the explosion.) He received the settlement in January and together we managed to spend all of it by August on the three B's (Babes, Booze, and Bisquick). Kazuhiro won't talk to me any more.

Nevertheless, we had a hell of a time at last year's Bonenkai. Now here's where it gets golden. If someone had given me this advice one year ago today, I might not cough so damn much when I wake up in the mornings. I got pretty trashed and upon returning home, I couldn't operate the doorknob to my apartment. I ended up sleeping on the front porch. It was ------- cold. I had the flu for a month. So, when you go to your Bonenkai, dress warm for Buddah's sake. You may have to sleep outside. You may want to sleep outside. Your roommate may want you to sleep outside. At any rate (3 1/4% for example) dress warm -- you'll be glad you did. I'm Spim Ramsley, and ho ho ho.


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